As part of my panic disorder 'maintenance' program, I've been observing myself when my adrenalin response seems overly active. The past two weeks have involved interacting with people I normally don't see, so I'm attributing the last four days of night sweats, tremors, anxiety, hunched shoulders and shallow breathing on overdoing it.
By the time yesterday was over, I felt like I was slipping back into behaviour that triggers a panic attack. What should have been a normal, routine day, went like this:
- I drive the kids to school. One has already left and I see him waiting at the bus stop, pull over, pick him up. My spectrum hubby has left home by now, sees me on the side of the road and swerves in behind me, half on the road, gesturing puzzlement. He is now blocking my view of traffic behind me (as well as the traffic), but eventually we both pull back into peak hour traffic without killing anyone.
Now I get to school, to the pick up zone, someone ahead of me is driving v.e.r.y s.l.o.w.l.y, ok, they're cautious, I think. I start to pull into the kiss and drop zone and they swerve suddenly and PARK right in front of me. Luckily I'm not yet (too) anxious and manage to manoeuvre my way out from behind them, with someone behind me also trying to proceed into the kiss and drop.
I can't help it, I get out and walk over and tell them Hey, this is a kiss and drop, I know, they say. Well, you're parking, you can't do that. Oh, ok sorry. They don't seem sorry. Adrenalin response.
- Well, on I go, down to the beach to walk the dog and relax. The seaside bins are surrounded by rubbish. No-one can figure out what to do with their garbage when the bin is full, so they distribute it an halo around the bin, next to the windy ocean, WTF PEOPLE...
I'm distressed, I need to walk the dog, and surely the council pay people to coma and clean this up and empty the bins. It's spring, they know lots of people are coming to the beach, relax, just walk.
Someone with a mental health disability is on the beach, trailing people and scaring dogs, this I can cope with.
There is what looks like a tourist couple taking pics of themselves in front of a wall along the beach front, there must be something on the usually plain wall, I decided to come back later and investigate.
I walk. I say derpy things to people (my usual spiel, hey my dog likes your dog, sorry my dog is barking at your dog, my dog doesn't like your slavering dog, etc).
I hear the garbage truck, woohoo, issue solved!
Yeah, not so fast.
I make my way back, I take in the pop-up art along the wall <insert link>.
I walk back towards the bin, oh no... It's emptied, but STILL surrounded with garbage. Well, YOU'RE someone, I tell myself, what are you going to do about it? I pick it all up, of course. No-one makes eye contact with the crazy rubbish lady.
Artist Violet Cooper - I'm keen to take some pics of the work today, forgot my phone yesterday.
- Phew, I get in the car and try and breathe. I need to go get some bird net to protect my almond that had been slowly whittled down to two twigs by the possums over the years.
- At the hardware store I awkwardly try and help a couple trying to find either Eremophila or a service person at Bunnings. No luck with either.
- Grocery shopping time! Here, I don't derp, I do ok, I get everything, only $100 or so over budget (stop eating, kids!) I choose a check-out chick I know is reliable and not one of the two simple-minded folk who work here. I politely ignore the two screaming children in front of me, just glad I'n not their mum. An employee strolling down the checkouts collecting baskets waves to get my attention, I look at her, she indicates the checkout she's standing by, I glance at my chosen check-out operator, Come here says basket lady, I hesitate and then my body decides for me and starts me moving in her direction. I am aware that I've probably cut off someone else who was moving in behind her for that checkout. I am aware of others swooping in behind me, claiming the chosen land in my wake, I start to feel anxious.
I feel even more so when I see two young men standing at my new location, oh no, trainee... And not even experienced enough to have gotten his trainee badge yet. I'm screwed. I will not bore you with the slow, painstaking beeping and doubling handling and fumbling of groceries that ensued for the next eternity.
- I forgot to get my dog some meat, I stop at the butcher, small awkward talk, I decide on my purchase, it's $11, he wants to take my credit card. It's a paypass card I tell him, yes he has that, can he have my card. You don't need my card, I tell him, they said no-one needs to touch my card, for security, he insists, holding out his hand, I glare at him as I hand it over. He takes it behind the counter and fiddles with his portable credit card machine and then looks at me, Paypass? He asks, Yes BUT show me the total first, he holds it up, I say ok, he taps my card and passes it back. Again WTF PEOPLE, just hold your stupid machine up and I can tap my card...
- Feeling fazed, I headed out of there towards the bakery, I needed grounding, chunky mushroom pepper thick pastry pie should do it. There's a blond gal standing in there, ordering her lunch, she's wearing a dark and medium grey top, aqua pants, and two-tone grey Merrell's. Oh no, I'm about to derp. I stare, I look away, I look back, her aqua studded leather bag is calling my name.
"I like your bag!"
"Thanks, Hahndorf", she looks away, having thanked me and told me where she got it from."
"I like it, it's nice colours."
"Thanks."
"I like all your clothes, I like those colours, all those colours together, the grey and aqua."
"Yeah, thankyou."
She just wants to order her lunch and eat. I look away, I look back, I know, I'll apologise for staring, that should make her feel more comfortable.
"Sorry for staring."
"Oh, that's ok," she takes a close look at me, am I crazy, she thinks, maybe she pity's me.
"I really like colours, I collect pictures. It's my brain. I'll stop staring now." Yes, this is the perfect derp that starts coming out of my mouth, but more rambly and with more repetitions. I spend the next few minutes staring in the opposite direction and avoiding looking at her. She leaves, probably relieved, definitely without a reassuring glance or farewell.
I'm done by now, exhausted. When I think, Oh, I went for a walk, bought some bird-net and food, came home, it doesn't seem much. But thinking about my day is as exhausting as living it was. Don't judge people, is all I think, I want to explain to people why I do what I do, why I seem 'lame', why turning up to an event is hard, they don't get it. Most people aren't psychological thinkers, my psychologist says. So there's no use explaining, just get on with trying to control my panic disorder. Thanks for listening.
Aurelia Carbone - Grahame the Giant Cuttlefish
