Brighton Beach

 Another Badger at Brighton Beach day.

Had lots of good writing ideas on the way to and from the beach today. I was too happy and distracted to think much about anything other than how lovely the smell of the air is and how happy Badger and the other dogs are while there.So that's good!

Saw some lovely large black and white birds cruising up and down the coast in the strong wind. A large gull maybe? 

It's so windy!

Badger wanted to play in the water a lot and kept taking his ball in there. He's always loved the way the ball behaves in water.

And he always has to check out the stormwater drains.

Jetty's, so photogenic.

Humans, so incompetent.

The rainbow lorikeets were at the beach enjoying the frech air today.

Wet dog, ready for a warm sleep.

A day in my derpy life.

As part of my panic disorder 'maintenance' program, I've been observing myself when my adrenalin response seems overly active.  The past two weeks have involved interacting with people I normally don't see, so I'm attributing the last four days of night sweats, tremors, anxiety, hunched shoulders and shallow breathing on overdoing it.
By the time yesterday was over, I felt like I was slipping back into behaviour that triggers a panic attack. What should have been a normal, routine day, went like this:

1. I drive the kids to school. One has already left and I see him waiting at the bus stop, pull over, pick him up.  My spectrum hubby has left home by now, sees me on the side of the road and swerves in behind me, half on the road, gesturing puzzlement.  He is now blocking my view of traffic behind me (as well as the traffic), but eventually we both pull back into peak hour traffic without killing anyone.
   Now I get to school, to the pick up zone, someone ahead of me is driving v.e.r.y s.l.o.w.l.y, ok, they're cautious, I think.  I start to pull into the kiss and drop zone and they swerve suddenly and PARK right in front of me. Luckily I'm not yet (too) anxious and manage to manoeuvre my way out from behind them, with someone behind me also trying to proceed into the kiss and drop.
   I can't help it, I get out and walk over and tell them Hey, this is a kiss and drop, I know, they say. Well, you're parking, you can't do that. Oh, ok sorry. They don't seem sorry.  Adrenalin response.
   
2. Well, on I go, down to the beach to walk the dog and relax.  The seaside bins are surrounded by rubbish.  No-one can figure out what to do with their garbage when the bin is full, so they distribute it an halo around the bin, next to the windy ocean, WTF PEOPLE...
   I'm distressed, I need to walk the dog, and surely the council pay people to coma and clean this up and empty the bins.  It's spring, they know lots of people are coming to the beach, relax, just walk.
   Someone with a mental health disability is on the beach, trailing people and scaring dogs, this I can cope with.
   There is what looks like a tourist couple taking pics of themselves in front of a wall along the beach front, there must be something on the usually plain wall, I decided to come back later and investigate.
   I walk.  I say derpy things to people (my usual spiel, hey my dog likes your dog, sorry my dog is barking at your dog, my dog doesn't like your slavering dog, etc).
   I hear the garbage truck, woohoo, issue solved!
   Yeah, not so fast.
   I make my way back, I take in the pop-up art along the wall <insert link>.
   I walk back towards the bin, oh no... It's emptied, but STILL surrounded with garbage.  Well, YOU'RE someone, I tell myself, what are you going to do about it? I pick it all up, of course.  No-one makes eye contact with the crazy rubbish lady.
   
   
   Artist Violet Cooper - I'm keen to take some pics of the work today, forgot my phone yesterday.
3. Phew, I get in the car and try and breathe.  I need to go get some bird net to protect my almond that had been slowly whittled down to two twigs by the possums over the years.
4. At the hardware store I awkwardly try and help a couple trying to find either Eremophila or a service person at Bunnings. No luck with either.
   
5. Grocery shopping time!  Here, I don't derp, I do ok, I get everything,  only $100 or so over budget (stop eating, kids!) I choose a check-out chick I know is reliable and not one of the two simple-minded folk who work here.  I politely ignore the two screaming children in front of me, just glad I'n not their mum.  An employee strolling down the checkouts collecting baskets waves to get my attention, I look at her, she indicates the checkout she's standing by, I glance at my chosen check-out operator, Come here says basket lady, I hesitate and then my body decides for me and starts me moving in her direction.  I am aware that I've probably cut off someone else who was moving in behind her for that checkout.  I am aware of others swooping in behind me, claiming the chosen land in my wake, I start to feel anxious.
   I feel even more so when I see two young men standing at my new location, oh no, trainee... And not even experienced enough to have gotten his trainee badge yet.  I'm screwed.  I will not bore you with the slow, painstaking beeping and doubling handling and fumbling of groceries that ensued for the next eternity.
   
6. I forgot to get my dog some meat, I stop at the butcher, small awkward talk, I decide on my purchase, it's $11, he wants to take my credit card. It's a paypass card I tell him, yes he has that, can he have my card. You don't need my card, I tell him, they said no-one needs to touch my card, for security, he insists, holding out his hand, I glare at him as I hand it over.  He takes it behind the counter and fiddles with his portable credit card machine and then looks at me, Paypass? He asks, Yes BUT show me the total first, he holds it up, I say ok, he taps my card and passes it back.  Again WTF PEOPLE, just hold your stupid machine up and I can tap my card...
   
7. Feeling fazed, I headed out of there towards the bakery, I needed grounding, chunky mushroom pepper thick pastry pie should do it.  There's a blond gal standing in there, ordering her lunch, she's wearing a dark and medium grey top, aqua pants, and two-tone grey Merrell's.  Oh no, I'm about to derp.  I stare, I look away, I look back, her aqua studded leather bag is calling my name.
   "I like your bag!"
   "Thanks, Hahndorf", she looks away, having thanked me and told me where she got it from."
   "I like it, it's nice colours."
   "Thanks."
   "I like all your clothes, I like those colours, all those colours together, the grey and aqua."
   "Yeah, thankyou."
   She just wants to order her lunch and eat. I look away, I look back, I know, I'll apologise for staring, that should make her feel more comfortable.
   "Sorry for staring."
   "Oh, that's ok," she takes a close look at me, am I crazy, she thinks, maybe she pity's me.
   "I really like colours, I collect pictures. It's my brain.  I'll stop staring now."  Yes, this is the perfect derp that starts coming out of my mouth, but more rambly and with more repetitions.  I spend the next few minutes staring in the opposite direction and avoiding looking at her.  She leaves, probably relieved, definitely without a reassuring glance or farewell.

I'm done by now, exhausted.  When I think, Oh, I went for a walk, bought some bird-net and food, came home, it doesn't seem much.  But thinking about my day is as exhausting as living it was.  Don't judge people, is all I think, I want to explain to people why I do what I do, why I seem 'lame', why turning up to an event is hard, they don't get it.  Most people aren't psychological thinkers, my psychologist says.  So there's no use explaining, just get on with trying to control my panic disorder. Thanks for listening.

Aurelia Carbone - Grahame the Giant Cuttlefish

Panic Disorder

This is what I experience a majority of nights, it's exhausting. It's not something I like to talk about because I'd rather just be 'normal' and get on with my days.  I try and remember that other people have their own struggles and not judge them, because anxiety, panic and stress are common modern ailments that many people experience.
At my worst, during my 'nervous breakdown', I had most of these symptoms, constantly, day and night, for days, until I ended up on the cardiac ward with a suspected heart attack.  Even the head of cardiology, looking at my ECG thought my heart was breaking.
Now, months later, the symptoms are mostly contained to my bad nights, and beta blockers provide some short term relief.  I can't take them too many days in a row or I get very vivid nightmares that wake me up.
My most regular symptoms now are constant tinnitus, trembling, night sweats and some choking/inability to breathe correctly sensations. Neck pain comes and goes but gets better if I practice relaxing my shoulders all day.
If you are experiencing these things then I'm not going to tell you that you aren't crazy, because if this isn't crazy, I don't know what is, But you are not alone.  Peace xxx

Signs and symptoms

DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria for a panic attack include a discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four (or more) of the following symptoms developed abruptly and reached a peak within minutes:

Palpitations, and/or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or being smothered
Feeling of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
De-realization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
Fear of losing control or going insane
Sense of impending death
Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
Chills or hot flashes


In DSM-5, culture-specific symptoms (e.g., tinnitus, neck soreness, headache, and uncontrollable screaming or crying) may be seen. Such symptoms should not count as one of the four required symptoms.




Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder characterized by recurring panic attacks. It may also include significant behavioral changes lasting at least a month and of ongoing worry about the implications or concern about having other attacks. The latter are calledanticipatory attacks (DSM-IVR). Panic disorder is not the same as agoraphobia (fear of public places), although many afflicted with panic disorder also suffer from agoraphobia. Panic attacks cannot be predicted, therefore an individual may become stressed, anxious or worried wondering when the next panic attack will occur. Panic disorder may be differentiated as a medical condition, or chemical imbalance. The DSM-IV-TR describes panic disorder and anxiety differently. Whereas anxiety is preceded by chronicstressors which build to reactions of moderate intensity that can last for days, weeks or months, panic attacks are acute events triggered by a sudden, out-of-the-blue cause: duration is short and symptoms are more intense. Panic attacks can occur in children, as well as adults. Panic in young people may be particularly distressing because children tend to have less insight about what is happening, and parents are also likely to experience distress when attacks occur.

Screening tools like Panic Disorder Severity Scale can be used to detect possible cases of disorder, and suggest the need for a formal diagnostic assessment.

Panic disorder is a potentially disabling disorder, but can be controlled and successfully treated. Because of the intense symptoms that accompany panic disorder, it may be mistaken for a life-threatening physical illness such as a heart attack. This misconception often aggravates or triggers future attacks (some are called "anticipatory attacks"). People frequently go to hospital emergency roomson experiencing a panic attack, and extensive medical tests may be performed to rule out other conditions, thus creating further anxiety. There are three types of panic attacks: unexpected, situationally bounded, and situationally predisposed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_disorder
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack

Tilt your head.

There is no lake.

Maria Popova by Kelton Reid

Reading an interview with Maria Popova by Kelton Reid.

Kelton says:

Ms. Popova is a wellspring of knowledge and she daily cross-pollinates a wide variety of disciplines, all in the spirit of creativity and discovery. She has contributed to Wired, The Atlantic, is an MIT Futures of Entertainment Fellow, and was named to Fast Company’s 100 Most Creative People in Business (among many other accolades).

One of Fast Company's 100 most creative people! Now I don't feel so bad that her creativity, writing and ability to connect what she knows is so prodigious.




Practically (pathetically?) every waking moment, with the exception of the time I spend writing and a couple of hours in the evening allotted for some semblance of a personal life. I do most of my long-form reading at the gym (pen and Post-Its and all), skim the news while eating (a questionable health habit, no doubt), and listen to philosophy, science, or design podcasts while commuting on my bike (hazardous and probably illegal). Facetiousness aside, however, I have no complaints – as the great Annie Dillard put it, “a life spent reading – that is a good life.”

I love Brain Pickings and shall certainly garner as much advice as possible from interviews with Maria.

Before you begin to write, do you have any pre-game rituals or practices?

Given I write several thousand words each day, there’s no room for “pre-gaming.”

And one day, I also will be able to use words like lucubrate when answering interview questions...

lu·cu·brate (lky-brt)

intr.v. lu·cu·brat·ed, lu·cu·brat·ing, lu·cu·brates

To write in a scholarly fashion; produce scholarship.

[Latin lcubrre, lcubrt-, to work at night by lamplight; see leuk- in Indo-European roots.]

Write in the Trees

I haven't yet scanned in my first Write in the Trees, but today I took pictures with my camera phone and walked while writing. It was relaxing and the movement did seem to give a feeling of flow as I concentrated on my footsteps between writing and it distracted me from being distracted.

I am not sure what part of my brain chemistry makes it so, but everything is amazing to me.

I can't help but take in all of the details, organic complexities, geometric angles and multitudinous colours I see around me.

The sounds, behaviours, smells, movement, change, destruction, the hope.

Again I am drawn back to this place, to draw, to write, right in the trees.

Make Do and Mend

I love mending clothes, I find it very therapeutic. I have a lot of sewing experience so mending is very easy for me thus I can get lost in the artistic process of it. Today I mended my daughters blue leggings. They are just cheapies from Target but I'm trying to mend more and spend less. I did get carried away after I'd finished patching the holes and added my own horse tags as I now consider them Oak Brand not Target =D

For this one I undid the leg seam, machine stitched in a large patch from an old t-shirt and then re-stitched the seam.

An older patch. 

Bum patch in pocket style to make it less ucky.

Freya loves a pony.

Hand stitched.